Isn't family suppose to come first? How come I don't see it that way? Have I given up hope on everything and anything left in this humanity world?

It's strange when you think about it. But.....anyway just to wish myself luck today cause I'll be at Forever 21 Orchard Exchange from today to 22 Feb for free makeovers. God Bless me and watch over me. Amen.

All I ever wanted was a chance. A chance to prove my worth and talents. But that chance is so hard to come by. I know chances must be grab and all opportunities only comes once in a lifetime. But its tough in this industry. I can only take one step at a time and count my blessings that God have mercy on me and place helpful kindred spirits by my side to aide me and help me in my growth.

Sometimes I think I think too much which is not a very good thing. I let my emotions and thinking's affect me too much. One of my CG (cell group) bro said that before, he said valene your mood is like a roller coster, you gotta calm down and be more stable don't overdo it one moment high as possible and the next low as hell (the hell word is mine). And a few weeks ago when I went to visit my teachers this is what she told me too, she said valene dear I'm very afraid of the one thing and that is you let your emotions control you too much. I know it myself but as you know dear blog humans are creatures of habits, as much as we are determined to change and all but we keep falling back to the one thing that's truly keeping us great and advancing.

Another topic today is BF/GF. My friend asked me dear valene ah when are you finally gonna have a BF of your own. My replied was I don't need a man to make myself feel good or anything, I don't need a guy in my life.....well not currently. I'm as happy being single as those who are in a relationships. I meant well it would be nice to have a BF to cuddle and text you to care for you and receive sweet little gifts that makes your heart melt and all fluttery......but I think the main problem is me. I love the game of love but I'm afraid to commit and all common people looks are everybit important to me....I meant not as in BF material as long as he had a good heart and is not too over ugh you know. But it's me, I'm simply too insecure and everything in my own skin to feel anything towards any guy, and usually my assumptions was right, well kinda cause all the guys I fancy either turn out to be heart-breaker or those that are attached or those that won't even glance my way. I don't meant to say I'm so hideous that nobody could stand to look my way or at me but I'm a very self conscious girl too much of it, and it specially heighthens alot more of it when I'm born with a birthmark just a whee tiny bits of a finger under my left eye and it's almost connected to my dark eye circles so it looked like someone just punch me in the left eye. -_-''.....not to make matters worse was horrible names and all and teasing and all. I'm gonna do something about it I swear but for now lets just keep things the way it is.

So back to the long topic again about chances and all. I valene oon am very glad to have found some reliable and good kindred souls to guide me and show me the way, listening ears and give good advices. For that I'm truly grateful to God and them. Amen to you all out there you know who you are even though you can't read this post (it's meant for myself only >_<''.....)

Maybe I joined wrong industry maybe I didn't but I just gotta revamp my whole image and all. I donno but I think it's the clothing and that non existence aura that doesn't make me a makeup artist at all at a glance. As you recall dear old blog about my blog post about my previous management which employment suxs way off I'm now moving on to better things in life I'm interviewing for BB (Bobbi Brown)in like 10 hrs time and they will asked about my previous employment which I shall not name here. Up till this day I still don't get it why I'm being force resign and all but I really donno how to go about telling BB that whole goddam long story which is tragic yes in a sense of way but at the same time without giving the game away. MY GOD -_-''.....I know myself too well, nobody understands me better then me myself and God, I'm not too acceptance of people comments and all cause I know I will let it gets to my soul and all, and when I feel like a need to defence myself cause I simply think of all the possibilities I will answer them back in their own face like a authority questioning them and get all work up and all, -_-''' which is NOT great. I have and am a very defensive person in things I believe in and which I didn't do wrong (future potential BF's BEWARE!!!!) maybe it's cause here I am trying to find an excuse for myself again like I had a not very nice childhood and when I was crying alone in one corner all my classmates was laughing and still teasing me =(, maybe that's why I grown to be so defensive cause my motto is since nobody is speaking up for me I had to be accountable for my actions and behavior and all and I feel a need to be you know defensive and all act up like a brick wall to prevent myself from getting hurt anymore by those mindless people out there. It's normal human behavior right to act up and get defensive and all to prevent yourself from getting hurt whereby your heart is so old so wounded so pieces. But this is totally different from building up a wall among yourself. I did that last time but my dearest and closest shavonne sis tear away that part and God and her made me open up and made me whole again. I know God is watching my sufferings and all, I know I have also sin alot if not countless times against His wishes and all but still He forgiven me time and again. In my heart yes I have forgiven those people who hurt me and all but I can't completely if not 99% wash away those memories and past unless I have senile dementia right? It hurts and occasionally when things and life gets tough and to add it on with my current problems in more than one way I have broken down in tears countless times I lost count of it.

I know I should be asleep now and whatsnot but simply to put I'm nervous/ excited and hyperventilating at the same time for the interview. I love BB products and their philosophy and BB herself but I'm afraid if they asked about my previous run in tragic encounter with the previous employment and I can't give a good enough satisfied answer it will ruin my chances forever. =( I won't and don't really want that to happen.....I'm a hard worker and am very loyal, I never wanted anything so badly I be grateful to BB forever if I can get a job inside their company and all and they don't find me a disgracement because of my poor wardrobe which like what hasn't been updated since 2 years ago? >_<''''Pray harder valene oon and leave it all to God and fate. Amen much max!!!!!

Someday I will looked back at all the things I wrote and maybe I laugh to myself, grown wiser in some ways but in other ways I'm still probably if not much the very same I was when I wrote this blog post, maybe older and more stylish but that defensive part might and still will be there to stay.


xoxo
Ciaos