Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe it is true.

I feel that perhaps it has influence from my childhood.

As the usual types both my parents were busy people. I was taken care of by a nanny from dono age what until what age lah. I always find things to entertain and amuse myself when I'm bored. Playing with alot of things I shouldn't even be playing with, getting into trouble over alot of mischief and etc etc.....

But when I start growing older, I realize people just don't want anything to do with me at all, especially in primary and secondary school and I think even ITE too. I was like the outcast in every group. Nicer way to put it I was the unique and more independence one. I meant I have friends. I am friends with alot of people and I also have quite a few close friends too. But at the same time I was like in my world own seeking my own pleasures and stuffs like this. I was friends with everyone and got no enemies. But did I also forget to mention that when I was friends with everyone and no enemies at all, at the same time I was also Not very close to them?

Yah so I got friends and got no enemies I should be thankful and happy. But I am Not. Why? Simply because whenever they eat or chat or do group work they always have their own clique of members close to them outside school and inside school. So yup I always got those who are not so nicely put also left outs. But I am grateful too cause they always are a bunch of good people to hang out with ^_^.

But as I grow older I feel more and more isolated (ps mainly because I think its my acne lah waiting for it to heal day by day -_-") or what lah I dono. I have close friends and they are also as busy as ever. I don't expect them to be around me 24 hours a day. But at days like this I just feel lonely......Like I been strip of a life when severe acne hits me and my face. I am still trying to accept the fact that I got it and what I can do now is sleep early, drink water, eat healthy and most importantly eat the meds doctor gave me. -.-

I feel that I have always been living in my own world so I don't get hurt or let others have a chance to hurt me. Not that my childhood was very problematic, but I got a very very long story to tell. I know some of you might say, who doesn't got a story to tell? Its the way you looked at it and how you're gonna deal with it. I know that too. I've always been seeking for something. Something to fill up that void. But Not love of course from bf. Cause I don't have the confident in myself that I won't hurt him or myself too.

But today I finally found him. His name is God. Creator of this earth/heaven and all things beautiful. He is glorious and majestic in his own words and himself. I am Not trying to be one of those christain that goes around preaching the words of God or my story to anyone and everyone. I choose my audience and listeners too. I just wanna hereby declare I finally found him after so long and so many years of seeking for it.

I'm still learning. Still growing. The road before me is long and bumpy with some smooth days which are like once in a million, cause everyday is different in its ways. But I learn. I learn with Him cause He will be the best one to go to for advice/comfort and when I'm sad/happy/shock/lethargic. He and only He will be thee only one who is 24 hours a day there for me even when I sometimes do things to hurt him or neglect Him. He will Never ever leave me in the lurch and me in the dark to feel and bump my way around for long. He will show the light to me and guide me out of the darkness bit by bit, step by step. And for that I am so grateful to Him for Never forsaking me even when I become this person which I don't even know who I am anymore.

Thank you God/Jesus. In christ name I pray and say Amen to you.

Ciaos.

A person once said to me, you know ah valene you can never be as beautiful as you wanna be cause there will be others who are gonna be more pretty than you. In account you are never gonna be beautiful at all.

That's what that person said to me. At that time I didn't say anything. I just walked away. I shall not name who that person was. But in my heart I was saying to myself, just you wait. I know looks ain't everything in life, but sometimes it can get you somewhere in life too. It's like a beautiful girl acting cute, when you see the picture you will say wah so kawaii-ne so pretty. But when a below the average girl or average girl act cute you will say, yucks why the hell is she acting cute for sia she's not even pretty at all, it just disgusts me and other people who see this photo.

I know everybody perception of beautiful is different. But the fact which you can't denied is that us humans, mostly like to look at pretty objects only. It's like an instant first impression you make when you walked into a room full of people.

People has been asking me why oh why valene would you wanna go for plastic surgery so badly? You're pretty already, yah not very pretty but yah pretty. And you're not even in the media industry or what a supermodel.

My answer to them would be--->Yes I know that. But it's my life and if going under the knife makes me a better person in terms of looks and I'm happy I don't see anything wrong with it.

And yes although I'm not in the media industry nor am I a supermodel but to me this logic is the same as why would people wanna dress up nicely? Pls do not come telling its out of respect to others okay. Just admit it you feel good when you look good too okay. Its almost the same logic to me, you're not even a model or what you're just a normal person why dress up so nicely everyday?

And then some would come to tell me your parents gave you this look you're born with this look appreciate what you have. And it is against the law in the bible to change anything God has given you.

And my answer to them would be--->Yes I know that. Go read this post I don't really know how to translate or even write about it in english.

有些人觉得我太追求完美，但是其实不是这样，我只是觉得自己变漂亮了，心情就会很好。

我以前也说过啦，人呢只活一次，别人说脸蛋是爸妈给的，不要随便去动，

但是我觉得说，路是你自己走出来的，我们只是变漂亮，而不是变坏人，做坏事，

所以我不反对整容。

Not saying I wanna be like her. (p.s she also went for plastic surgery before) But surely some of you out there can understand why I'm making this decision. It's for myself and not anybody. If only some of you have been through what I been through before you will completely understand my feelings and why I am bent on making this major decision that will change my whole life forever. And I know God will not be happy about this decision I'm making. But at least I hope he will understand I really really will be happier after ps.

For those who support me to go for it, thank you. But for those haters or those concern about me I can only say it's my life and my money. I'm Not gonna do anything drastic like change my whole face or body. Just high double eyelids and a sharper and more define nose. That's all. I'm Not gonna do nip and tuck here and there all over. I know some of you may say how can you possibly stop at these 2 procedures, you're bound to have more in the future. But I can say I will not unless age catch up with me and I might consider botox on my lines and wrinkles. But I will Never Ever go through any major plastic surgery like this again unless something major happens in my life. Like for example touch wood ah--->someone throw acid on my face, i am disfigure by someone, a horse or car ran me over. Yah so that's about it for this post.

Ciaos.

I like doing housework. It's therapeutic to the soul. Clears the mind of all things.

It's Saturday. And what am I doing today? Nothing. As usual just another boring day for me until I can go out of the house. Btw for your info I am not house bound or anything, I just gotten quite a bad case of acne, now on the way to healing period. Taking quite long though. Already been 3 and a half months. 2 more months to go.

Some people asked me, wah you can tahan everyday stay at home and never go out meh? My reply to them: yes I can. Not because I don't have a life. I do until this severe case of acne taken it away. So other than waiting and waiting everyday for it to heal slowly and slowly I simply got nowhere to go to and nothing to do everyday.

Don't ask me why but I feel incomplete going out with such a face like that. Other people might not stare or talk, or they might, I don't care. I just can't get pass myself.

Hiaz....so long ah.....so long.....

Sometimes when I wake up early in the morning when everyone is still sleeping I ask myself this question.

What's in store for me today? More drama-rama? Or another day of fulfillment? I will never know the answer until the day ends. But....sometimes I rather wish I have physic powers to even know whats gonna happen before it actually happens so I can be more prepare. But isn't life more fun in never knowing whats gonna happens next?

Today is just another one of those boring days. I'm becoming zombiefied from staying at home everyday just to wait and wait and keep on waiting till my face heals.
Mum again ask me the same question which she does everyday...when are you gonna find a job huh? so after the next 2 more months you're still gonna continue staying at home everyday and not go find a job? when will it fully heal before you can finally go find a job huh?

My answer to her---->keep quiet. It's best sometimes to be a mute person to avoid more questions and trouble. Just keep on letting her rant on and on and on until she gets tired.

But....In my heart I wanna answer her this.

Mum I donno when I will fully heal. I also wanna go find a job, but right now I can't. I'm still young why must you keep chasing me to find a job? Why scare I become a slacker ah huh? I won't. You may not know it, but when I really get serious, I am serious no fooling around. But when I slack I slack harder than anybody else.

But of course like what my father say sometimes it's better to keep mute then talk. So yah following his advice I didn't say a thing to her. Cause even if I say it out she won't listen and say I am talking nonsense and saying selfish things.

Anyway gonna get out of the house soon enough to really go on a spending spree and buy phone and camera. Hiaz $$ easy come easy go. There are so many things I want, so little $$ and time.

Till then....Ciaos.

Came back from national skin center. Had my blood test today. Whew finally can eat. >_< been starving myself since 8pm last night till 9.30am the next day.

Saw the doctor again, the doctor say the past 2 months is over, soon your suffering is gonna be over soon. Just wait another 2 months time and I guarantee you your face will heal, no more acne or pimples. Truth to be told I haven't gone out anywhere in those past 2 months. -.- I know....very drama-rama right? But I just don't really wanna go out with my face like this. Increases my dosage of the oratane medicine. Gonnna have super super dry skin again, maybe this time with peeling if I'm not careful and slap on moisturizer like some crazy woman.....My cumulative dosage to hit is 6600mg. But right now I only hit around not even half of the dosage. -_-''....

Oh yah 1 more thing I can't do any form of surgery for 1 year after taking this oratane medicine. None at all. Haiz...there goes my dream of plastic surgery and lasering of my birthmark.....But nevermind meanwhile in that 1 year I can do alot more things and achieve and earn more money so next year when I'm 20 I can do everything at one go without ever worrying whether I have enough money anot.

Hang in there valene oon. Very soon all your suffering will be gone and you will become the person you always wanted to be. Ganbatte!!!

If by all means getting plastic surgery makes you happier. Know what. Go ahead and do it. Why? Because its your life and nobody ain't gonna tell you how to live it or make the best out of it.

I got alot to tell. But I choose wisely. I choose people to tell my story to. I may be young, but the things I gone through is not what most 19 years old would go through. So pls don't come telling me....girl you still so young you got alot to go through in this life many more things. I know. I still got a long way to go. But everyone got their own story to tell, and it doesn't make mine less than yours.

I personally like to hear about other people stories. Because from every story I hear I learn something from it. Sometimes textbooks doesn't tell you what to do. Only those people who have gone through knows how it feels like.

This is just becoming a ranting blog for me to vent out my anger, sadness, frustrations. But at some point of life everyone will go through what I'm going through now.

F*ck lah I hate my mum and brothers.

Nag at me say nasty things which I don't wanna hear, Say I useless and watever shit and alot more which I don't even wanna mention.

Then my 2 brothers, say what always buy things I eat they never got to eat. Wtf sia. Like I never buy them thing to eat before lol. Fuck them all.

Hate them.

Colours of our soul are not only paints which implement in our palette - make-up or fashion choice. Sometimes, colours that we choose are the mirrors of our personalities.

Perhaps you can assume that:

- Nervous people choose red most often
- People of sanguine disposition choose yellow often
- Phlegmatics (self-content and kind person) choose green
- Melancholics choose blue


So which one are you?

RED Color of blood and life. It effects organism effectively. People who like red color desire interest from other people, they like to be adored, they are often egocentrics. Those who choose this color are aiming at purpose definitely and assiduously. They are very expansionary, however, they are not very good listeners. They do not tolerate objection.

This color attracts sight of spectator particularly. It makes impression of self confidence. However, it can also cause impression of aggression and domination. Dark tints are classically – dramatic, bright ones express dynamic and modern elegance. This color symbolizes temperament and passion.

PINK If you choose this color most often, it shows your sensitivity and abilities to love. However, it also means lack of strong will and consistency in undertaken decisions. Sometimes pink color is tied with infantile (childish) behavior.

GREEN is the color which introduce peace and harmony. People, who choose green color are usually timid, they bestow people with certain dose of distrust. They are rather observers than active operators. In connection with blue color it means aspiration for rest and reacting on conflicts.

It underlines natural and sport appearance. Depending on tint, it is possible to look in it young and in sports style. Green color radiates regard and warmth. This color symbolizes relaxation, balance, hope and consistency.

BLUE Those who choose blue paints are characterized with creativeness and creative mind. They are resourceful people, who are able to joint theory with practice. They like peaceful and quiet environment.

Dark-blue tints radiate weight and elegance, they act soothingly (alike blue background on photos). A bit brightest tint is perfect for sportswear. This color symbolizes peace, satisfaction, gravity and reliance. It is often used in bank uniforms as well as at creation of picture of information news presenter (newscaster).

ORANGE Those who wear this color are impatient, and they expect effects of plans very fast. People who like orange color are also persistent and they have strong motivation. It is color of active people definitely.

WHITE Color of optimists, but also people who just search their own, personal look on reality. It can symbolize transitional state. White materials are bright - genuine elegance. This color symbolizes clearness, lightness, order, and fineness.

GREY Color of possessed and self confident people. That is why they remain from flank often, not involving to current cases. Grey color also symbolize independence and ability of critical look. Classic color, timeless, alternative for black, good at discreetly sports style.

BROWN This is the color of realists. People who choose this color like everything to be in order. However, bronze can be like shell, under which they want to conceal their genuine face. Natural and elegant color. Dark tint can be alternative for black. It underlines classic type of beauty perfectly.

BLACK This color is chosen either by people who are disciplined and self-confident, either completely different, people who are hesitant of their value, who have just started searching for their personal "I".

Principally it causes impression of elegance. This color adds authority. However it is better to escape it in outside image (it fits only winter type). It belongs to choose black alternatives brown, blue, and grey.

Credits to myfatpocket.com article.

Somewhere in me I feel a little jealousy inside. And that happens whenever my parents praise other people kids or comparing me to someone else or calling me useless. Also happens whenever I see people somewhere in life now and here I am nowhere in life. I can't even see the path I have to walk. I can only stumble around in the dark. As in for now.

I know I can never be the perfect daughter they badly wanted. Gracious, beautiful, studious, unselfish and gentle. I can use money, lots of money to achieve prettyness. But I can't use money to buy all thee other things they so badly wanted in a daughter.

I know nobody can be perfect. At some point of time every kid wish they were their parents perfect child. But at some point of life we will always do things to upset,anger them.

But I believe things will change for the better. We can only go forward and see. Although I am not where I wanna be now, but I am glad I am not where I use to be.

Ciaos

I feel like a loser. Just because I am in the makeup industry and I don't even have a uni cert means I am a good for nothing in my parents eyes.

Eh but I feel proud okay at least for one thing....I always tried my best at things and I was the top student in my class for my diploma cert in makeup. I know lah to alot of you out there you might think makeup easy lah, anybody also can do it. Well go ahead then smart a** anyone also can do it go do it lol and we shall see where you end up.

It's like I am a worthless person at first I don't feel that way but now I do and its not non frequently, its getting more and more frequently, especially since I move back home my mum has been reprimanding me how useless I am and watever shit......But I know I am NOT. One of these days I am gonna prove her wrong and make her eat back her words, I'm gonna be more successful than my 2 brothers and those who look down on me.

Just you all wait, I'm gonna have the last laugh of all.

Soon.....soon......I will get what I want and been waiting for like forever.

Depressed as usual. Hardly slept last night due to the itchyness on the face. Been using moisturizer like a crazy woman. -.-

Haiz.....when oh when then I can finally see the redness go down and the itchyness stop. FML.....

Don't think I'll be attending the IT Show on march to come.
Was sitting on the sofa and suddenly mum ask me not to touch the money in my bank which she give me. I can't reveal how much lah >_<. But what she doesn't know is that I already spent quite a sum of it liao lol. Wtf. -_-"..... Have been planning to get a new phone and camera for ages but never gotten around to doing it cause I got no face to see people.

Waiting and waiting.......so long........

I don't have a life. FML -.-
I dono why would I feel this way, but I just do.
I feel neglected by all my those so call friends. Or maybe I don't really have any friends at all.
I know I must be mad to post up this post, but I'm still gonna do it.

Everyday I am wasting away just to wait and wait and continue waiting for my goddam acne face to heal. After healing I am still gonna do more procedures. Like double eyelids+epicanthoplasty, nose job, laser birthmark. I know I am still young I shouldn't even be thinking so much about those plastic surgery but I just can't help it. It's my life. I won't drastically go change my whole face, just some nip and tuck here and there that's all. After all I don't find I am very ugly to the max, I am above average person looks. Just that I want that kind of pretty at one glance and not above average. I must be so emo nowdays to even write about all this nonsense blog post which I have done in my previous postings.

Nitez world.

Raving like a mad lunatic now. Face is so itchy I feel like scratching it, but too bad I can't. Arg... And worse still is after the itch comes the mild burning sensation like the whole face on mild fire. Wtf....-_-''.....

Guess that is the healing/suffering period I will have to go through, not to mention whether there will be acne scars left after it all gone down.

Haiz....Why is my life so tragic....>_<
I know I have it easy. There are more unfortunate people put there who are worse off than me, but honestly blame my humanity, I don't feel anything. Okay maybe today I am in a super not good mood cause I fu*king hell woke up at 6.45am cause I can't sleep and my skin is cracking like some old lady skin, all dry and itch and burning. Don't even tell that some people who are like me still need to work and face the world cause they have a family to support and they need the $$ and watever shit. I am NOT interested at all in knowing all about their goddam story. That's their problem, not mine. I'm different from them.

So anyway nowdays I have also feel that my friends have all deserted me cause I am such a nag and bored without a life. >_< p.s---results from being a slouch potato at home everyday. Growing fat and wasting life away. I wish I can do something. Be brave and strong and go out with my face like this and don't give a shit about what others say or comment or ask.

But I can't. In thee end I still failed. Miserably. Because when it comes to things concerning my face I have always failed. Not once or twice. But super duper alot of times until I have lost counts of it. -.- Countless times I have told myself, its okay just go out, do it, be brave, common gurl. But just as I was gonna step out of the house I saw my reflection in the mirror and the gurl staring back at me....I decided, plans cancel. Wtf right? Hopefully the itch will go away soon and I won't be a red beetroot anymore by the end of this month. Amen.

Ciaos.

Spending money like there no tomorrow. Wtf -.-......

Been eyeing a new camera and a new phone for dono how long liao lol. But because of my dam face I up till now not yet even began to step out of the house to go get it. So.....gonna to be brave and step out of the comfort zone by finally going to the IT Show at Suntec Convention Hall. Gonna be like an aunty there and compare here and there for the best price source. Wtf -_-".....

Eye---Olympus Pen E-PL1, HTC Desire, HTC Z.....

Ciaos.